In Short
Eye contact scripts give you a prepared gaze strategy for every phase of a feedback conversation, not just the words. Your eyes can undermine your message before you finish your first sentence. Pair what you say with where you look, and the other person is far more likely to hear you.
- Sustained, calm eye contact during the Situation and Behavior steps signals that what you are saying is factual and grounded.
- A brief, natural softening of the gaze during Impact lets the other person process without feeling interrogated.
- Strong, attentive eye contact when they respond tells them their reaction matters to you.
Eye contact scripts are word-for-word phrases paired with specific gaze direction guidance for each moment in a structured feedback conversation. They give you both the language and the nonverbal cues to deliver constructive feedback clearly, without your eyes sending a signal that contradicts your words.
I once sat across from a manager who had clearly prepared every word of the feedback she was about to give me. She had done her homework. The structure was sound, the language was fair. But she spent most of the conversation staring at the table between us, glancing up only when she finished a sentence. I heard her words. I did not believe them. Her gaze told me she was ashamed of what she was saying, and that doubt planted itself in me too.
Eye contact during feedback is not decoration. It is testimony. And in my experience with the S.B.I. Method, specifically, each phase of that structure calls for a different quality of gaze. Get the words right and the eyes wrong, and the message lands sideways. This article gives you both: the script and the gaze that goes with it.
In Say It Right Every Time, I cover the S.B.I. Method in depth in Chapter 8, including why specificity and observability are the foundation of any feedback that actually helps someone grow. What I want to add here, in practical, usable form, is the eye contact layer that the scripts alone cannot give you.
How to Use These Scripts Without Sounding Rehearsed
Read each script through once. Then read it out loud. Then practice the gaze direction in a mirror, or use a phone camera. You are not memorizing lines. You are building a default, so that when the moment is real and the stakes are high, your body knows what to do without your brain having to manage it.
Customise the words in brackets to fit your situation, your relationship, and your tone. Every script here has a standard and a formal version. Some have a casual version where that register genuinely fits. Use the one that matches your context, then adapt the language until it sounds like you said it, not like you read it.
For deeper context on how the S.B.I. Method structures the full feedback conversation, that article covers the three-part framework in full.
"The Conversation You're Avoiding Is the One You Need to Have."
"The Conversation You're Avoiding
Is the One You Need to Have."
Stop rehearsing conversations you'll never have. Say It Right Every Time gives you 115 word-for-word scripts and 16 proven frameworks to speak with confidence in every conversation that matters.
The Eye Contact Scripts, Phase by Phase
These six scripts cover the most common moments in an S.B.I. feedback exchange. Each one includes the gaze direction because the nonverbal signal is as important as the verbal one. Nonverbal communication in tense situations operates on the same principle: what your face and body do in a difficult moment shapes how the other person receives what you say.
Script 1: Opening the Conversation and Setting the Scene (Situation Step)
The situation: You are beginning the feedback conversation and establishing the specific context. This is the Situation step of the S.B.I. Method.
Why it works: The opening moments of any corrective conversation set the emotional temperature. Steady, calm eye contact here signals confidence and fairness, not accusation. Looking away reads as guilt or avoidance. Staring reads as aggression. Three to five seconds of relaxed, direct contact, then a natural brief break, is the rhythm to aim for.
Standard version:
"I want to talk with you about [the presentation you gave on Tuesday / the client call last week]. I thought it would be useful to share some observations. Is now a good time?"
Gaze direction: Hold calm, direct eye contact as you name the situation. When you ask "Is now a good time?", let your gaze stay steady and slightly open, eyebrows neutral. You are signalling this is an invitation, not an ambush.
Formal version:
"I would like to speak with you about [the project debrief on Thursday / your report submitted last week]. I have some specific observations I would like to share. Do you have fifteen minutes now, or would tomorrow work better for you?"
Gaze direction: Identical rhythm. Name the context with direct eye contact. Soften very slightly when you offer the choice of timing, which signals respect for their schedule.
Watch for: If they immediately tense up and look away, do not chase their gaze. Keep your own steady and open. Their discomfort does not require you to rescue them from it yet.
Eamon's note: The moment you offer a time choice, you redistribute a small amount of control. Watch how people relax when they realise they have a say. The gaze that goes with that offer needs to match the generosity of the words.
Script 2: Stating the Behavior Factually Without Judgment
The situation: This is the core of the S.B.I. Method, the Behavior step, where you describe exactly what you observed, in specific, observable terms.
Why it works: The Behavior step is the most vulnerable to tone errors. If your eyes harden here, the other person hears accusation even when your words are neutral. In Chapter 8 of Say It Right Every Time, I describe this as the line between helpful honesty and a weapon: the words are the same, but the delivery determines which one lands. Sustained, level eye contact throughout this step signals that you are reporting, not judging.
Standard version:
"What I noticed was that [you did not leave time for questions at the end of the presentation / you arrived fifteen minutes after the meeting started without letting anyone know]. I want to be clear that I am describing what I observed."
Gaze direction: Maintain steady, direct eye contact for the full behavioral description. Do not look down at notes mid-sentence if you can avoid it. If you need notes, glance down and back up within one second. The eye contact says: I am certain of what I saw.
Formal version:
"I want to be specific about what I observed. [In the client meeting on Wednesday, you did not follow the agenda we agreed on beforehand, and two key points were not covered.] I am describing observable behavior, not making a judgment about your intentions."
Gaze direction: Same sustained contact. The phrase "I am not making a judgment about your intentions" lands far more honestly when you look them in the eyes as you say it. If you look away at that moment, it reads as exactly the opposite.
Watch for: Some people will hold your gaze; others will look away or down. Either is normal. Your job is to keep your own eye contact stable and calm regardless of what theirs does.
Eamon's note: The Behavior step is where most people's eyes give them away. They soften to apologize for what they are saying, or they harden to brace against the pushback they expect. Neither is right. Neutral and direct is the only gaze that matches the words.
Script 3: Delivering the Impact Statement
The situation: The Impact step of S.B.I., where you explain the real consequence of the behavior you observed.
Why it works: Impact is where the emotional weight of feedback lands. If you hold the same hard, direct gaze here that you used during the Behavior step, the other person can feel cornered. A very slight softening of the eyes, not looking away, but shifting from "observing" to "feeling," lets the Impact land with honesty rather than pressure. Advanced feedback techniques cover this distinction in full; the short version is that Impact is where you show you care about the outcome, not just the record.
Standard version:
"The impact of that was that [several of the VPs left with unanswered questions / the client felt we did not value their time]. That matters because [it affects how we are seen as a team / it puts the relationship at risk]."
Gaze direction: Slight softening of your gaze as you move into the impact. Not breaking contact, but letting your eyes carry some warmth. You are no longer the observer; you are the person who wants things to go well for both of you.
Formal version:
"The consequence of that was [a loss of confidence in our preparation from the leadership team / a client who is now questioning whether to renew the contract]. I want you to understand why this matters to me and to the team."
Gaze direction: Hold eye contact through "the consequence was," then let the gaze soften as you say "I want you to understand." That micro-shift communicates the difference between a report and a conversation.
Watch for: If they start to look down or their face tightens, do not look away to relieve the tension. Stay with them, gently. An empathy bridge before delivering critical feedback can help prepare the ground before you reach this step.
Eamon's note: People rarely argue with the Impact step when the eyes that deliver it look like they genuinely wish the outcome had been different. That is not softness. That is the truth of it.
Script 4: Inviting Their Response Without Losing Your Ground
The situation: After you have delivered all three S.B.I. steps, you open the floor for the other person to respond.
Why it works: This is the moment most feedback-givers abandon their gaze entirely. They look away, relieved to have said what they said. But breaking eye contact at exactly the moment you invite a response signals that you are not really interested in the answer. The quality of your gaze here tells the other person whether their response is genuinely welcome or just a formality.
Standard version:
"I would really like to hear your perspective on this. What is your experience of what happened?"
Gaze direction: As you ask the question, hold steady, open eye contact. Then, once they begin to speak, shift into attentive listening mode: soft, consistent eye contact broken naturally every few seconds. You are not watching them; you are listening with your whole face.
Formal version:
"I want to give you the opportunity to share your perspective. Please take the time you need. I am genuinely interested in understanding how you experienced this."
Gaze direction: Deliver this invitation with full, direct eye contact. The word "genuinely" only lands honestly if your eyes are already there when you say it.
Casual version (appropriate for a peer or a colleague you know well):
"That is my read of it. I really want to hear yours. What have I missed?"
Gaze direction: Open, relaxed eye contact. The casual register works here because the gaze is already warm. Avoid looking away at "what have I missed" or it reads as rhetorical.
Watch for: When they respond, resist the temptation to prepare your reply while they speak. Keeping yourself grounded in tense feedback conversations starts with your eyes: steady, present, and genuinely receiving. An amygdala hijack, where your nervous system tips into fight-or-flight, will pull your gaze in ways you do not notice until after the moment has passed.
Eamon's note: You can hear more with your eyes than with your ears. The moment you truly look at someone while they speak, you will catch things in their expression that their words alone would never give you.
Script 5: Holding Your Ground When They Push Back
The situation: The other person disagrees with your feedback, deflects, or becomes defensive.
Why it works: Defensive reactions are normal. An amygdala hijack, as I describe it in Chapter 8 of Say It Right Every Time, can make the other person hear attack even when you have been careful and specific. The gaze that works here is not more intense than before. It is the same steady, calm contact that has carried the whole conversation. Do not let your eyes harden in response to theirs. And do not drop your gaze to soften the friction. Addressing tension-causing behavior without triggering a defensive shutdown covers this in more detail; the eye contact principle is the same.
Standard version:
"I hear you, and I can see this lands differently than I intended. I still want to share what I observed, because I think it is worth talking through. Can we stay with it for a moment?"
Gaze direction: Hold direct, calm eye contact through the whole response. The word "still" is where people most often look away or down. Keep your gaze right there. It signals that you are not retreating from what you said, but that you are saying it without aggression.
Formal version:
"Thank you for telling me that. I understand your perspective is different, and I want to make sure I have heard it correctly. I would like to share mine as well, if you are open to that."
Gaze direction: Maintain steady eye contact. A slight nod as you say "I understand" adds a layer of nonverbal acknowledgment without looking away.
Watch for: If you feel your jaw tighten or your eyes narrow when they push back, that is the moment to take a deliberate breath. What your eyes do in the first second of pushback sets the temperature of the next five minutes.
Eamon's note: The hardest eye contact to hold is the one right after someone says "that is not what happened." Hold it anyway. Your steadiness at that moment is the whole message.
Script 6: Giving Positive S.B.I. Feedback With a Gaze That Earns Belief
The situation: You are delivering recognition using the S.B.I. structure, and you want the other person to believe it.
Why it works: Many people receive positive feedback with quiet scepticism, because the person giving it looks away, glances at their phone, or rushes through the words. Warm, sustained eye contact during positive S.B.I. feedback is what separates recognition that genuinely lands from praise that dissolves on contact. The S.B.I. Method for feedback that reduces tension works in both directions, corrective and positive, and the gaze principle is the same in both cases.
Standard version:
"I wanted to take a moment to recognise what you did in [the Q3 report / the client presentation last Thursday]. You [structured the analysis clearly and anticipated every question they raised]. The impact was that [the leadership team left the room with far more confidence in our position]. That was excellent work."
Gaze direction: Warm, direct eye contact from the first word. Hold it steadily through "excellent work." If you look away at the compliment itself, the other person will quietly discount it.
Formal version:
"I wanted to speak with you specifically about [your handling of the client debrief on Monday]. I observed that [you stayed composed when the conversation became difficult, and you redirected it without anyone losing face]. The impact on the team was significant: [we retained the account, and the client asked for you by name in the follow-up email]. I want you to know that kind of work does not go unnoticed."
Gaze direction: Sustained, warm contact throughout. The last sentence, "I want you to know that kind of work does not go unnoticed," deserves its own beat. Pause briefly before it, then deliver it with full eye contact and a moment of genuine stillness.
Watch for: Some people become uncomfortable receiving direct recognition and will look away. Do not follow them into that discomfort. Keep your gaze steady. Let them come back to it in their own time.
Eamon's note: Recognition given with full eye contact is a different thing entirely from recognition given to a room or to the air. One person looking directly at another and saying "I saw what you did" is among the most powerful things one human being can offer another.
When Your Gaze Works Against You: Four Patterns to Correct
Even with scripts in hand, certain gaze habits undermine everything. These are the ones I have seen most often, and each one has a repair.
The relief glance. You look away the moment you finish saying something difficult. It signals you are not sure you meant it. Repair: hold your gaze for two full beats after your last word. Let the silence sit.
The apology blink. Excessive blinking when stating the Behavior. It reads as discomfort with your own message. Repair: slow your blink rate intentionally. If you cannot manage this in the moment, take a slow breath before the Behavior step, which naturally steadies your eyes.
The interrogator stare. Unbroken eye contact for thirty seconds or more reads as domination, not confidence. Repair: break naturally every five to seven seconds by glancing briefly to the side, not down. Looking down reads as submission; looking to the side reads as thought.
The vanishing gaze. Looking around the room when the other person is speaking. Repair: when they speak, look at them, not at their words or the table. Their face holds the information you need most. For more on how nonverbal signals shape tense exchanges, the full treatment is in this piece on nonverbal communication in tense situations.
Adapting the Scripts So They Stay Yours
The fastest way to make a script sound rehearsed is to deliver it word for word without breathing. These scripts are starting points, not sentences to recite.
Take the structure. Keep the gaze cues. Then say the words the way you would actually say them. If "I want to be clear that I am describing what I observed" sounds too formal for how you speak, try "I am just telling you what I saw." Same message. Same gaze. Your voice.
The brackets mark the moments that must be specific to your situation. Fill those in with precise detail, not vague placeholders. "The client meeting" is not a situation. "The Mercer call on Wednesday at two o'clock" is a situation. Specificity is what makes the S.B.I. Method work. Vague feedback, as I cover in Chapter 8 of Say It Right Every Time, is useless feedback. For the full framework and every layer of nuance around giving and receiving feedback, Say It Right Every Time is where this all lives.
Practice the scripts with the gaze. Not just the words. Stand in front of a mirror or record yourself on your phone. Watch your eyes. That is what the other person will see first.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
What are eye contact scripts for giving feedback?
Eye contact scripts are word-for-word phrases paired with specific gaze direction guidance for each moment in a feedback conversation. They tell you what to say and where to look simultaneously, so your nonverbal signals reinforce your words rather than contradict them during a difficult exchange.
How much eye contact should you make during the S.B.I. Method?
During the Situation and Behavior steps, aim for steady but relaxed eye contact of about three to five seconds at a time. During Impact, you can soften your gaze slightly. When the other person responds, hold strong, attentive eye contact to signal you are genuinely listening.
Why do eye contact scripts work better than improvising your gaze?
When you are nervous or delivering difficult feedback, your eyes often drift or lock up in ways that read as evasive or aggressive. Having a prepared gaze strategy removes one variable from a high-stakes moment, so your body language supports your words instead of undermining them.
Where should you look when the other person gets defensive during feedback?
Maintain calm, steady eye contact without staring. Dropping your gaze reads as submission or guilt. Holding a fixed stare escalates tension. A soft, sustained look of three to four seconds, then a brief natural break, signals confidence and respect simultaneously.
How do eye contact scripts connect to the S.B.I. Method?
The S.B.I. Method structures what you say across Situation, Behavior, and Impact. Eye contact scripts tell you where to direct your gaze at each phase. Together they ensure your verbal message and your nonverbal signals are working in the same direction throughout the conversation.
Can eye contact scripts be used for positive feedback too?
Absolutely. Warm, sustained eye contact during positive S.B.I. feedback signals that your recognition is genuine, not perfunctory. The scripts in this article include a positive feedback version specifically because where you look during praise matters as much as where you look during correction.
